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Hello. I’m fine. I’ve been burnt out.

I’m taking a leave of absence from work because I need the time to myself to recover. I’m emotionally and functionally exhausted. I haven’t been cooking, cleaning, journaling, or resting. I always feel better after some home cooked meals, physically and mentally.

The act of chopping vegetables alone does something for me. The thick “tok” sound of the knife going through a carrot and hitting the cutting board (we need a knife sharpener); the crisp, floral, earthy smell reaches my nose; the slightly damp, hard, and cold feeling of the vegetables on my fingertips; the beautiful array of vegetal colors in the prep bowls as I finish up.

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I got new glasses with my updated prescription from an online store that claims they are trying to bring glasses prices down. I like the quality of the pair I got for the price I paid. They seem pretty sturdy and the prescription is accurate. I finally chose frames that take up most of my visual field. I’m not middle-aged, but I’m getting there. It makes me feel a little closer to my age, even if neurodivergence sometimes makes me feel like I’m still a young teenager adrift in a cold adult world that I’m not prepared for.

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I went through my closet and took things out that I know I won’t wear but I was keeping because they were gifts. I gave them to someone that goes thrifting often. I am going to make another pass soon and remove the last of the items I don't use. I have been fortunate enough recently to be able to purchase a handful of durable items that will last me a long time so I can cut down on the number of things in my closet in general. We still need different types of clothing because our region experiences the extremes of both summer and winter and everything in between, but I finally have quality items that I won’t need to replace, maybe ever? So I’m approaching a point where I may only have to replace intimates at a regular interval in the future, and I’ll be able to avoid shopping for clothes altogether.

I don’t use the dryer on most of my clothes in the rental unit we’re in. I hang mine up. The dryer breaks down the fibers of the clothes and dulls their colors over time with heat and friction. I hand wash some items because I don’t trust the agitator in the washer, either. I guess I could save time by not treating my clothes in this way, but they’re an extension of me in a way, so I want to treat them kindly and give them the longest “life” I can.

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I don’t like to go to physical stores to shop anymore (absolutely unrelated to Covid and was the case years before). I’m not sure I did in the first place. Consumption habits made me existentially uncomfortable as a child. It seemed strange to me; shouldn’t we just have what we need and then a handful of things that we want? Isn’t the act of idly shopping, dumping things that seem mildly interesting, dubiously useful, ready to break, into a massive shopping cart a massive waste of time and resources? It’s distressing.

Most American stores feel like purgatory to me. Especially the “big box” ones—the ones shaped and stocked like warehouses where you can purchase “big boxes” of items, obscene amounts that you and your family and extended family and neighbors and neighbors' neighbors will never use. There is no natural light. The ceilings are way too high. The aisles are wide enough for the pallet jacks to move through easily. The colors are dull and depressing. The workers are generally soul-crushed and abrasive from years of nonsense from customers. Somehow time feels like it isn’t moving and it is moving too quickly at the same time. The other shoppers behave like interchangeable widgets; all gleefully agreeing to the rotating system of over-pricing and sales, flipping through coupon books, lording over the aisles with oversized carts, remarking on “good prices”, haranguing workers. Perhaps I am dehumanizing them in this description; perhaps the stores dehumanize them for me. The stores are designed to pull as much value as possible out of shopper and worker alike, down to every detail. Is it as sinister as I see it? Is this a distortion?

I misremember younger me as more outgoing or less anxious sometimes; as though when I became an adult, I immediately transfigured into the complex web of strange thoughts, behaviors, beliefs, and coping mechanisms I have today. I think time and experience have strengthened some aspects of my way of being, but I’ve always been fearful of people I don’t know, and wary of new experiences. I’ve learned to enjoy some retail spaces and some ways of interacting with strangers. I love coffee and tea shops, bookstores, local craft stores, music stores, farmers markets, and some thrift stores; I like consuming internet media made by strangers and interacting through text-based means with strangers. I enjoy some new experiences; foods or recipes that are “new” to me, parks or trails I haven’t been to, music or other media I haven’t listened to or seen, books I haven’t read, hobbies I haven’t tried, etc.

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I technically finished my sweater, but it puckers strangely at the armpits because I didn’t smoothly reduce my stitches going up towards when I start the yoke. The yoke itself is beautiful, if I do say so myself, though. I think I reduced my stitches there well and I kept them nice and even. The collar came out nicely, too. It’s more loose than I was expecting based on my initial measurements, but I like the slouch fit. The arms are just the right fit, also, and they hit right below my elbow where I wanted them to.

I’m going to rip it back out to where I messed up the armpit reductions and redo it. I’ll post an actual picture of it when I’ve fixed that. Probably two weeks from now? Unless it takes less time because I know exactly what I’m doing now and I wrote it down so that I can follow what I did for the yoke again. I made it all up; there was no pattern to work off of; it’s been a real fun mess and a learning experience. Next time I’ll use a pattern, but I have a nice sense of accomplishment figuring it out on my own. I don’t know why I insist on learning through mistakes so much, but it feels like I learn more deeply than if I just follow tutorials or normal learning ways, if that makes sense.

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My partner recently acquired a Switch for us. I’ve been aggressively working through Breath of the Wild with a great deal of my free time. I think it’s helping me reset my brain. I might share thoughts on it once I finish it. I’ve been holding back on reading or watching anything about it since its release on the off chance that we would get a chance to play it. We were both in a spot for the longest time that we were done bothering with keeping up on anything current, especially in the realm of video games. Then my partner found a deal, and snatched it up.

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One of our loved ones made a kick toy out of some cloth scraps and catnip for our cat for the holidays. She really likes it. It makes me happy to see her using it.

Anyway. Thanks for reading. I hope you’re eating well and getting rest when you need it. See you again sometime.