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Hello again.

There are a lot of scam jobs and job scams out there. It’s hard to know these days if you’re looking at a good/safe opportunity with all of the staffing agencies and virtual interviews and sketchy start ups. I sent out a bunch of applications and resumes and got some bites, but was ultimately ghosted by the recruiters once they heard me on the phone. I’m really surprised by how many people expect a computer drone to be anything more than reliable personality-wise.

I decided to request a transfer to a different branch with my regular contract job instead. We finally figured all of the details out. I started at the other location this week. It’s much closer to where we’re going to live. I used that excuse like my life depended on it. It sort of does, though. Our transportation is limited as a couple now, and I need to potentially be able to walk home from work in the winter without dying. It’s not winter yet of course, but it will be here soon enough.

It’s strange to realize that you can ask for things (just don’t expect the ask to be filled). It never really occurs to me anymore to ask for accommodations, but when I find myself in a “safe” work relationship, it doesn’t hurt to ask for what I need, I guess. At least not right now. I don’t know how I’m going to do out in the “real” job market at the end of this contract. I’m not particularly well-equipped to make instant connections with people. Maybe I’ll figure out how to work my way into the back office here or at another location. Or I’ll take a communication course or something. One can hope and plan and prepare best they can, I suppose.

I decided to pick mindfulness-based meditation back up. I took a comprehensive course in college to try to address my issues. It definitely helped, but I was stuck-in-the-bottom-of-an-outhouse-latrine-and-someone-was-doing-their-very-best-to-send-me-a-rope-to-climb-out-but-it-was-a-short-strip-of-dental-floss deep in my issues. There was a lot to change and grow out of, and obviously I’m still trying to grow. Right now, I’m finding myself in a relatively non-functional state, stuck in rumination, and struggling to get back into the swing of basic socialization again.

So! It takes about 8 weeks of diligent daily meditation to start to change the shape and functioning of my brain. And then, ideally, I keep up with it to keep the progress intact. After my first session a couple days ago was the most relaxed I’ve felt for years. I almost fell asleep a few times. It was hard to let go of that state of absolute calm and return to my long list of transfer tasks. I guess I’m sharing here that I’m doing this to keep myself accountable. Even if I mess up and miss a day or two or more, I am making a commitment to try to do at least one session per day for 8 weeks.

You don’t need anything special to do this type of exercise besides a knowledge of what it does. The point is to guide your mind’s attention across your body, and relax each area as you go by visualizing your breath flowing into areas and taking tension and pain out with your exhale. I usually visualize my in-breath as yellow or orange light, and my out-breath as purple. I don't exactly know why, it just works for me. Sometimes you’ll encounter pain or something difficult—another part of the practice is accepting it as it is without dwelling on it. I think that’s the hardest part for me, but it’s also one of the most useful skills in the practice for me to develop.

It’s helpful to use a guided meditation your first time, or for the first few times—there are some on y0utube if you are interested in trying it yourself. I don’t know if there are any that play without ads, which would seriously interrupt the process. I haven’t looked into other sources myself, to be honest. I kept all of my guided audio CDs from the course, so I’m going to use those.

Maybe this will help me adjust. I think part of being human is learning how to be here now. It’s hard to learn how to be here now with so many responsibilities and distractions and concurrent crises. I think most kids already know how, and then we teach them how to suppress that current presence of mind; that live feed awareness; and then teach them to hate and judge themselves instead to prepare them for the “labor market”. (Although, I don’t think school really prepared me for work too much.)

Anyhow! We’re still packing and planning and writing lists. I anticipate having an upsurge in my general energy a bit after we move. I’m trying not to think that it’s going to solve all my problems, because it won’t obviously, but it will make my life measurably “better” in many ways. This current apartment is hurting our health for a couple of reasons I don’t really want to dwell on, and it has become a weird place to live within the context of the city. The homeowning around us seem hostile to renters and it’s finally getting to me.

The kitchen of the place we are moving into is much more modern. The stove is electric, so I’m much less worried about fires. There is a little (teeny tiny) patio that we are going to grow some plants on and sit on when it’s not freezing outside. The entire campus is smoke-free, which helps a ton with my health issues. Uhh what else. The on-site manager seems friendly and no nonsense. Oh! And it’s much closer to a lot of more “wild” parks that we like to go to when the weather is amenable.

I’m feeling less panicked about everything, but I’m still wary. I don’t know how to find community or people out there in the wild, but I think I’m going to try this year in places that feel right to me, not the suggestions that my more extroverted associates suggest. One of my previous coworkers found a local person on a knitting forum that she seemed to get along with well over email. They met up in-person at a knitting event and became best friends.

I guess I’m not expecting something so fantastical as finding a “best friend”, but I believe there are people out there locally that have similar interests that would like being friends and I would like being their friend too. I think it’s hard to know where to go anymore because gentrification has completely marred the face of the city I knew; the places I used to go are hostile to the lower-income (former) locals now. Everyone is working all the time to make things work anyway, I guess. It’s bizarre and incredibly alienating to be made a stranger in your own home overnight. I’m tired of talking about it, honestly; I feel like a broken record. But it’s my reality and I don’t exactly know how to process it.

Anyway, I am going to try to connect more deeply with people I already care about, too. I have an “out of sight, out of mind” problem with remembering to keep in touch with people that are far away. I have completely opted out of social media at this point, and I wonder if they expect me to keep up with them on those sites instead? (I'm never going back.) I also worry about bothering them too much with my contact. I think I will be able to find a sweet spot somehow though where I am reaching out enough that they feel I am reciprocating their care without overwhelming them.

Thanks for stopping by and reading! I hope you are doing well and getting your sleep (I finally am, again). Take care, see you again sometime soon.