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I am fine, but lost.

Something I thought was solid in my life seems to be shifting in ways I don’t understand and I don’t know how to take it.

A lot of things have happened in the past 2 months. I kept starting to write posts, but I never quite seem to have or make the time to finish or edit what I write. A common theme, it seems, throughout my blog and life so far. It also seemed like the wrong time to share due to life events. There is certainly coziness to share, but perhaps as memories after some time passes. I’m in a weird spot.

I finished my socks. They took a really long time because I didn’t realize I knit the soles far too long, so I had to undo them by several inches each to place the toes in the correct area. I don’t recall if I talked about them since it’s been awhile (and I’m too lazy to read back through my writing), but the fiber I used is a blend of wool and nettle. They’re pretty sturdy and warm.

I have become a member of a community in some sense at my new-ish job. I don’t really know what to do if I don’t find a way to stay here after this contract is up. I guess I have to find another place like it. It’s just a whole thing when you finally find somewhere that feels “right” enough, after nowhere feels quite “right”. I’m not sure what I mean by putting that in quotes. I guess it’s not exactly what I want, but it’s what I need. It’s pushing me to grow professionally and I feel accepted and valued.

I am meditating everyday at least twice. It’s changed how I see things. How I do things. What I think. How I think. What I want. My relationship to desire and the pursuit of objects and experiences. I experienced something akin to this change when I took a course on meditation a long time ago, but it wasn’t the same. I was trying to meditate to run away from my feelings and thoughts, and I wasn’t able to really grasp how to do the process. I was in a constant state of excessive stress due to my living situation and how untenable my life felt in general. It would have taken far too much to calm my body then. Now I am meditating to have the strength and energy to address my feelings, thoughts, and past head-on when I have time. My body feels the least shitty it ever has in my whole life. Sometimes it even feels good.

I’d like to blame how I’m feeling internally entirely on the weather, but I know better.

Anyway, I hope you are staying safe and comfortable. See you again sometime with more to say. Thanks for stopping by.