My relationship as I know it is over. I’m living with family suddenly now.

It’s weird how things can just absolutely fall apart no matter how hard people try. I have a lot of things to look forward to still; I have a lot of habits that lift me up and make my days worth doing; I have a job that I like and apparently likes me now; I have ways of processing the feelings I’m having and sometimes of tolerating them (although, I am entirely overwhelmed right now to be perfectly honest). I have hope that I will find good acquaintances that may become friends as I dip my toes into socializing on my own again with stronger and better boundaries than when I was younger.

It was my decision. I’m still devastated. Heartbroken. I didn't want to do it, but I needed to.

What does an intimate relationship mean?

For me, as a queer human, an intimate relationship is many things. It’s a mutual recognition between two human beings of something special or unique about one another. It can start as an initial spark of interest, or it can slowly build up into a realization of fondness for the particularities of an individual over time. Or it can be both! It’s in the feeling of being warmed by a smile; in the feeling of being comforted by a gentle pat-rub of the upper arm when sad; in the feeling of someone remembering something obscure or irrelevant to them simply because it’s important to you; in the feeling of relief at seeing a familiar face after a long, dehumanizing day; in the feeling of coming home to a person, not a location; in the feeling of holding onto a fact or story to tell someone when you see them again because you know it would interest them.

It’s in the feeling of little exchanges of niceties, like
an unexpected cup of coffee or tea in the morning
or a single rose just because 
or thanking someone for doing something they have to do
or opening the door for someone
or holding their hand while they get an invasive biopsy
or kisses on the cheek 
  or on the forehead
    or on the hand
or a small date at a cheap restaurant
or a walk at sunset around the neighborhood
or listening to someone talk about their interests in-depth
or watching a show together at the same time once a week
or caring for someone while they’re sick or on their period
or just pausing to experience the scenery together,
  without a need to talk
or playing with a pet together
or cuddling inside when the weather is crummy 
  and it feels like there is nothing else to do
or wiping the tears from their cheeks
or a sympathetic look when something goes wrong
  or a shared laugh when something goes wrong

But what does it really mean? To be in an intimate partnership? What I listed are just small details that add up over time. Is that it? Is a relationship a collection of moments and memories? The quantity and nature of the moments and memories determine the type and fate of the partnership?

There's more though, isn't there? It also means sharing goals and desires. Dreams. Values. Life philosophies. It sucks when they diverge.

It also means sharing burdens and finding joy in the monotony and drudgery of life while keeping a sense of self, not getting lost in the relationship, in the other person. Preserving the self. Celebrating the self and the other.

How do relationships sour? I’ve read so many stupid and often conflicting articles and forums on the topic at this point that I’m confused and angry.

I had a friend as a grade school student that I spent a lot of my time with. I’m still not sure why we were friends. I briefly reconnected with them as a young adult. When their mother heard that my parents had gotten a divorce, she said to me, “That’s ok. Sometimes the glue just isn’t strong enough.” Something about that sentiment depersonalizes a relationship and makes it easier to process. Maybe the glue wasn't the right kind. She’s since passed away. I’m pretty confident that was the last time I spoke to her.

I might delete this entry later. I’m not sure if I’ll regret being so open. I realize that once I put it out there, it’s out there. I just don’t know if this fits the vibe of the website. Sure, it’s vulnerable and mentions comforting things, which is what I aim for. I’m just not sure if my hopefulness is coming through since it’s fresh and hurts so much right now.

At any rate. I’m starting to knit a sweater to help distract myself. I’m halfway done with the collar. I haven’t had much time for much else. I’m either going to try to make the sweater in the pattern of the cat, or of Totoro since I have the right colors to do so.

If you have people in your life that you love, please tell them how you feel and hold them close for me. I hope you are well. Thank you for reading, see you again sometime.