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I feel like I need to run. I feel like I need to get away, move, get in the car and start driving and never stop, or get on a plane and disappear to everyone I know, which admittedly is still few people, but certainly more than when I started this website. I want to give in to every strong impulse, do all the things that are bad for me but might bring some sort of immediate relief. I won’t. It’s incredibly hard to turn away from the allure of maladpation right now, but I know it ultimately will dig a deeper whole rather than create and maintain sustainable change.

I don’t want to be here anymore. I need a complete reset. I need to remember who and what I am. I am working on calming my body with as many healthy strategies as I can muster each day. My mind is on fire. Betrayal is such a deeply personal and upsetting experience. I don’t know what to believe about most things right now.

I might temporarily move to another country. I likely wouldn’t be allowed to post to Neocities there. Which would be the least of my worries, but it would be relatively easy for me to go, then post again when I get back.

I heard the phrase “wherever you go, there you are” today at work. I don’t believe in fate, but I also don’t believe in coincidences. I carry everything with me. Maybe a radical change of pace wouldn’t make the change I hope for, but it would at least force me to pay attention to other things. It’s been a long time since I’ve been outside the country.

I’m almost done with the German short row shaping of the shoulder area of my sweater. It's starting to look pretty good, imho.

It’s odd to realize I constantly try to intellectualize my feelings and experiences. I think I understand what happened, if the truth was shared, but it doesn’t make the feelings hurt any less. I used to think understanding things was enough. I think it’s a really important part of healing and processing the world to understand why people do things and why we respond the ways we do, but some feelings can’t be shooed away through understanding. Some feelings are too strong and raw. They have to be truly felt and carried for awhile to work their way through you. I think I overintellectualize to escape the pain of fully feeling and processing. Cold distance seems easier, but then it all just stacks up and crashes in around you when you aren’t ready.

Anyway, I hope you are doing alright. Thank you for reading. See you again sometime.