...

Soooo

I bit it off. I’m getting a degree in my field while I am working. My company offered to pay for 25% of my tuition as long as I stay with them when I graduate for a certain number of years, and I qualify for a grant that pays for another 35% of the cost of attendance. I’m fairly confident that the current administration cannot pull the plug on this program because there is no federal funding nor DEI language in the description. I should be able to semi-comfortably pay as I go for the remaining amount. We’ll see.

I initially really didn’t want to when the rep came to our office because I am very comfortable and well-utilized for my current skillset where I am. I like my boss, which I think generally doesn’t happen in my field (maybe in general?), and for the most part, people are professional. But, I took a long look at what else I want to do with my life and it just seemed silly not to take up this offer. I’ll be moving up in about 2.5 years. That’s weird and I’m just going to try not to think about it until I have to. There is a slim possibility that I will be able to take a position at my current location because two of the people that currently do the job I’m training for are talking about either retiring or moving up themselves. That would be ideal, but I know life doesn’t tend to unfold neatly like that.

I’m excited and nervous about it. I’m in a sort of executive function free fall while I’m on the last real break I can take until I’m done with that degree. I’m trying both to enjoy my unstructured time in ways that I can’t when I gotta work, and also to get out and socialize, but my constant companion—social anxiety—has crept back up by my ear to poison my thoughts. I think I’ve narrowed down what makes it harder to combat for me; caffeine or any type of substance that stimulates; excessive time to ruminate instead of doing/reading/watching/talking about anything; too much sleeping or not enough sleeping; not enough time being mindful—whether that is a formal practice like yoga or meditation, or something more casual like a “sensory” walk (but you see, all my walks are sensory walks) or listening to music; not enough social time with people that I am closer to; too much socializing with people that I am not adequately close to; not leaving the apartment enough for days on end.

I’ve been doing some embroidery in the evenings before it gets too dark out to need to use the lights in the apartment. I finished putting this Moomin face on an old shirt to give it some pizzazz. I was visiting a candy store with some coworkers (I got salty black licorice scotty dogs because I think they’re good). After the attendant handed me my little paper bag he said he liked the Moomin design, and that made me genuinely smile. I just thrifted some nice summer pants that I really like the colors of, so I think I’m going to maybe embroider some chickens on a shirt that matches in the same colors. I did a mock up on my phone with a MS Paint type app. I have no idea what the “modern” equivalent would be now. Anyway, I have the chicken and I think I wanna do “good morning sunshine” around it because it’s a rooster crowing.

I’m thinking about embroidering things to give as gifts perhaps, too. Small pet portraits? Favorite flowers? Favorite animals? Favorite foods? Favorite sayings? As long as I can draw it or write it, I can embroider it. I think it is a more realistic goal than ever knitting things besides hats, mittens, a scarf, or baby clothes for other people; it would never be done in time for whatever event I was planning to gift it for. Anyhow, embroidery floss is much cheaper than I thought it was, also. Where I am, it seems to be sub $1 AMD for a bundle, cheaper if you get a big pack of variety. I like getting exactly what I need though, by project, because it bothers me to have a bunch of stuff I probably won’t use.

I’ve been getting out and about much more than I usually do during the summer months this year, but I think that seasonal depression finally lurked around the right corner to uppercut me good and square in the nose. I’m trying to make plans with friends, coworkers, and family members, but they keep falling through or needing to reschedule and then I loaf in a “I wasn’t expecting that and can’t seem to get my brain to pivot to something else” kind of way at home. It’s disappointing, and a person starts to wonder (especially with my background), maybe they don’t want to spend the time with me, that when they do spend the time, they’re humoring me? I recognize this flowchart as how my mother would verbalize her thoughts and thereby give them to me as a thinking template. Buuut, I think there is probably a healthy way to think that thought; a way of mulling it over that doesn’t leave a person feeling bitter or sour; rather, looking at it as a matter of people having their whole own separate lives with their own needs, wants, priorities, and deadlines; and also, if they cancel often enough in ways that I bother me, that I can either gently comment on it and/or slowly divest from that connection in a way that respects both of us and our time and boundaries without there being hard feelings; but I haven’t quite figured it out yet. I think I’m getting closer to a good balance on the “step on me”/”don’t tread on me” axis of self respecting snake behavior. Until recently, I was just going to the beach and reading whatever book I have out from the library whenever plans fall through. I should start doing that again. It gets me out of my rumination chambers, takes me to sensory input, gives me something to focus on, and then a back up activity for when I can’t focus anymore. Plus Vitamin D and exercise and being in physical proximity to other real, breathing people and all that. And if there are a particular pair of old ladies there, they sometimes talk to me about my book and it’s nice.

I gave one of my long distance friends most of my electronics to long-term borrow. I’ve mainly been running, weight lifting, swimming at the lake, biking, kayaking, doing yoga, meditating, bouldering, reading, and watching too much utube on my phone in my free time (mostly the utube during this depressive slump). I’ve been feeling more grounded and less stressed. I want to keep these habits up when it inevitably gets cold again, but I think I need to make habits with other people to keep myself motivated through the winter. The lack of sunlight and the bitter cold really give me pause about leaving my unit after putting everything from work away.

I went tubing down a river with family for the first time recently. It was a lot of fun. The water smelled salty like the ocean somehow. I assume it wasn’t salty, I wasn’t about to taste it. It was mostly clear, and the current was surprisingly strong for how shallow most of the river was. There were still some pretty deep parts, but on the whole it was shallow. It was an uncharacteristically cold day for the point in the summer we are in, so the water felt brisk when we first waded in. I acclimated to it quick enough. We saw four different deer along the banks. There was a doe with one of her teenage-looking babies that was larger but hadn’t shed the spots yet; a proper fawn the size of a small-medium dog, spooked off by one of us sneezing; and a lone doe out in the field we walked in to get back to the car when we got out. There was a bank entirely comprised of weeping willows, mopily sweeping their branches in the wind. We’ve had a lot of storms of noteworthy size lately, so a lot of larger trees in general, but especially along the banks have come down in the winds and ended up in rivers. We had to maneuver in a few tight places where tree debris had clogged both sides of the river and left a small opening where the water rushed faster. There were water striders that sit on the top of the water and skate around on six legs; oval-shaped bugs with two long legs that look like oars, leading to the common name “water boatman”, lazily paddling around; small blue dragonflies that kept landing on our knees to rest; large, entirely opaque black dragonflies with broader wings chasing each other around; biting horseflies the size of my thumb nails; yellow swallowtail butterflies; a blue heron, silently skulking from one fishing spot to the next; a handful of friendly enough kayakers; I would love to go again.

I’ve been kayaking frequently with a work-friend-turned-friend-friend as well. I got a cheap inflatable kayak because it costs less over time to do that than to keep renting a hard bottom one every time we go. It packs up small enough that I’ll be able to keep it stored in my apartment over the winter once I dry it out completely after our last go of the season. It came with patches for holes if I ever need to do that, too. I think that river I tubed on would be a great place to go kayaking. We sometimes get banh mis from my favorite local bakery and have them for lunch or dinner on the water when we go. It feels like I’ve been seeing so many more native birds from being on the water than from being on the land. I also got to finally see a water lily up close. They smell like clove, oranges, and jasmine in this way that completely captivated me. My friend picked one without my knowledge and gave it to me when we got to shore. The scent faded probably not even a day afterwards, but I keep it in a little jar as a keepsake all the same.

I had been on a pretty good workout streak, and then I got sick a couple weeks ago, and I’ve been unable to start back up in earnest yet because I got that residual bronchitis in me. Before, I was going to the gym maybe 3 or 4 times a week, running, lifting weights, yoga, struggling with the settings on things, all that fun stuff. I think I’m far along enough in the healing that I can start again, I hope, because I’m going to lose my mind if I can’t work this mental stuff out through exertion. Maybe that’s how seasonal depression gave me the bloody nose.

I’ve sort of dipped my toes into going to queer meet ups centered around activities I enjoy and activities I am interested in. So far, I haven’t turned up any new friends, and I’ve only barely made some acquaintances, but that’s how it all starts, right? Getting out there and seeing and being seen and all that. I went to a bouldering thing, and a biking thing. The bouldering crowd felt familiar even though I didn’t recognize anyone there. I think a fair few of them are probably either originally from the area I went to high school in, or they’ve lived there as adults for long enough that they’ve integrated into that local culture. It felt more socially open and exploratory than other gathering spaces I’ve been in since way back then. Maybe it was because I literally was exploring rocks, but I think it was the crew there. I wish I hadn’t been so sick for so long, because the inertia of returning after so long without the out-of-town friend I originally went with is huge. Not insurmountable, I just need to get my big boy pants on and go.

The biking thing was weird. It was basically a bike tour of where I grew up, hosted by people that came from affluent backgrounds cosplaying as working class, and it was bizarre to see what has been “urban revitalized” through their eyes. I don’t want to dwell on it, but here I am dwelling away. It was strange and kind of unsettling. I know better now than to bring up gentrification and how it feels to know that through their eyes, where I came from changed from a dangerous place to more or less a city playground through their benevolent action and intervention. I think I want to say specifically that it’s alienating, not being able to speak openly and frankly about where you came from while literally physically in that very space to people that bought it out from under you; it feels like you’re groveling, trying to make friends with well-meaning but phenomenally fragile and naive generationally-rich people; it feels like you’re being disingenuous by not leading with “this used to be ours, would you please share some of the crumbs of what used to taste like home; can I tell you what it was, can you hold space for that just in this moment”. I don’t mean to be so melodramatic about it, it’s just a crazy-making situation I guess. One of the other riders was kind and interesting, though. I wish I had spent more time talking to them, but ah well. I don’t think I want to go back to that group. There wasn’t anything actually wrong with it or them, no one was mean or anything, I just think I would have a hard time finding my niche there long-term because it is so alienating.

Anyway, I’ve been missing going to the farmers market since early June because I’ve had too many other things going on during the weekends. I’m going to make a point to get out there this weekend. It’s peak local produce season now. In the meantime, my dad and his girlfriend have been giving me produce from their garden, so I’ve been making some things from scratch. I made some mango gazpacho with cucumbers and tomatoes from my their garden. I added Condimento de la Alegria—it has garlic powder, salt, onion powder, smoked paprika, thyme, oregano, cumin, and black pepper. Usually there is cilantro, too, but I don’t have any dried or fresh right now. It’s thick and tangy and sweet and spicy and a little sour. Refreshing in the heat.

I want to get back to fermenting vegetables. I haven’t been eating many vegetables in general this summer because I keep telling myself to not pick them up at the store because I’ll be going to the farmers market. Oof. That might be part of why I got sick. I know people also just get sick sometimes, but I think for me, it seems directly related to what I eat, how much I sleep, if I get enough water regularly, if I am exercising enough, and if I am effectively managing my stress and general mental health. If two or more of those are out of whack for too many days in a row, bam, whatever opportunistic bug is already in my body probably lurks out from the shadows rubbing its little cilia together saying something like “this is my time to shine” before it splits in two. I guess it’s more likely to be a virus, though? Whatever. The point is, I’m still buffing my immune system up from years of it Actively Trying To Stop Working. I’m not getting as dramatically sick as often, but it’s still happening more than I would like.

Anyway, that’s enough for now. Thanks for reading. I tried to keep most of the summer bummers to myself, but that’s where I’m at lately. I hope you’re staying well and hydrated and sane this summer. Seeya again sometime.