...

Here I am, doing my best not to throw myself at the feet of fleeting material whims. I want nice brand new work boots now that I can buy them without worrying about putting enough money into my savings. I am looking for the same type at thrift stores instead because I don’t want to get a swollen head or forget how easily it can all go to shit if I don’t keep saving money.

I went to a free concert I saw a poster for at the library when I was getting DVDs a couple days ago. I went with a friend of mine that likes music generally, but is also up for avant-garde/weird stuff. I was expecting it to be folk-style, but it was avant-garde/weird. It was nice. There was a cello player, a clarinetist, a pianist, a percussionist, and a singer. They rotated through different permutations of the group for different pieces. Talking about it later, my friend and I discovered we both got chills when the singer first started singing because of the pure crispness of her voice. I also thought the clarinetist had a warm, full, nasally timbre. The purity of the sound scratched some itch I didn’t know I had in my ears. I always love hearing the cello, too.

Being in an auditorium that is designed to amplify the sound of the music and dampen the sound of the audience is wild. I feel like it’s hard to access that sort of listening experience unless you can afford to go to classical music concerts as an adult or you’re in elementary school and the company lets your district go for free for fieldtrips as a tax write off. I didn’t realize how much I missed that experience in my life. I miss “the arts”. I also miss being involved in arts in a social capacity.

They had a little reception afterwards with snacks and soda. I had a couple spinach pies. They seemed like they were made with love, likely homemade based on the tupper they were in carefully wrapped with foil to keep them warm: delicate yet crispy, buttery puff pastry and delightfully well-spiced spinach filling. It’s the type of food experience where I like to close my eyes to really log all the textures and overlapping tastes.

Another free thing I did was rearrange my living room. It feels easier maybe to consider hosting people for a movie or game night or a craft night. I don’t quite understand how it is the same amount of stuff in this room, but it looks like there is significantly more space in here. It is a more inviting sitting area and it is easier to navigate. I still want to find a large area rug to differentiate the couch spot and the homework-doing spot, but it’s much nicer than it was and I don’t need it.

I did get groceries today, but I tried to keep it minimal as I am also trying to do a freezer turn over. I made my first home-cooked meal that wasn’t fried eggs and toast or a pre-made box dinner in a loooong time. I fried some salted and julienned green onions in butter and then put two thawed tilapia fillets from my freezer in the pan on a higher heat to get a bit of a sear. I put the lid on and let that side fry up crispy while I shredded some cabbage and made a sauce using gochujang, soy sauce, sesame oil, oyster sauce, honey, and some water to thin it out. I flipped the fillets, threw the cabbage in around the fish, poured the sauce in, put the lid on, and waited until it was cooked through. I ate it over some sticky short grain rice. It was pretty good for simple freezer fish.

I had my first round of “big” meetings. They were a couple stressful 12 hour days, but I felt alive doing it, running around with my little paperwork and my little company laptop and contributing about what I do. The usual things I do in my job are real and person-based. This felt more like an imaginary carousel of talking to a bunch of different teams about real things in a conceptual way. I’m going to have to lead some coming up. It doesn’t feel real and I’m nervous, but also if I think about it, in the grand scheme of things and the scope of my life, it’s not that serious? I dunno.

Anyway, I think I’ve truly shrunken my amygdala and also strengthened my prefrontal cortex because even though I am stressed, I’ve been able to manage it and keep my shit together. I intend to keep working on it, too. I want to meditate again, but I think the kernel of mindfulness has sort of spread to everything I do, like it’s a habit now. I’ll catch myself enjoying something and then I’ll really soak into the moment. I’ll notice I am unwell or upset/angry/sad/whatever and just acknowledge it then back up and watch it from a distance with curiosity. I suppose I’m also better plugged into my professional community now with the move up and have developed richer friendships and I am valuing my inner life and balancing my mental and physical health. I think a large part of my healing has been based in access to material safety and comfort as well. And please pardon my language, but fuck caffeine.

It’s easier (for me) to be calmer when I am the one setting schedules and managing caseloads and reorganizing things to make it easier for other people and I’m less in the trenches. I don’t like the hierarchical structure of work culture, but I find myself climbing it to better my own material conditions. How do people maintain their morals and sense of shared humanity when they do so? How does a person balance fundamentally disagreeing with hierarchical structures while seeking to acquire power within them? What does that mean? Is that a worthwhile question to ask? What is it like to not think about this sort of thing, to not even have the thought cross your mind? What is it like for people that feel like they are entitled to that treatment within a hierarchical system? Why am I like this?

Anywaaaaay. I’ve started propagating plants from cuttings of my mature plants and then getting tiny planter pots from the thrift store to make little gifts for birthdays and holidays. It’s really easy if you have a pothos or a spider plant. They were going to throw this spider plant from the coop out because it was on it’s last leg (spider joke?), so I bought it at a super discount, nursed it back to health for a year, and now it has a bunch of new legs. I’ve already gotten three to take to new little pots, and I have maybe ten more coming in this season. There is another vining plant that it works well with too, but I don’t know what it is called. I gave my first successful planting of that one to one of my work friends.

I like all my little plants. They make me happy.

I gotta catch up on all the stuff everyone’s been posting this weekend. I hope y’all are safe and well. Seeya again sometime when I’m avoiding all work. Thanks for reading.