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Hello! Happy New Year!

I had an absolutely spectacular day last week with my friend and their friends and then they all needed to leave and I started a property-watching gig, and then I downloaded and started using my first dating app, and gosh golly wow I used it nonstop for 6 hours until my phone died instead of doing my late homework to go from a C to an A (I got it done eventually and got my A), working on a side-contract I picked up that they paid for upfront, or any of my main paperwork. Woooooow. I didn’t eat dinner, I didn’t drink water, I didn’t take care of any of my necessary tasks. I didn’t brush my teeth. I didn’t sleep. I didn’t SLEEP!

I don’t think I will find what I am looking for online realistically, but my friends are tired of hearing about the half-hearted real-life search and hounded me to try the online approach. I am uncomfortable with the amount of people that are just like, half or all the way naked in their first or second photo. It is jarring to me. I suppose I am not using the app as it was originally intended, but woweee. Not to shame anyone for being about that or doing that if that is what they are looking for, and I don’t have anything against nakedness or overt sexuality in and of itself, I just find it hard to evaluate a person if that is what I am offered, rather than information about what they do or where they go for fun or whatever. Sex isn’t the only thing in life, although I suppose it sells, especially on an algorithm-based platform that many people use while feeling a particular way (I am not, it is more like I’m playing slots at a casino hoping that a glass of water and an apple will fall out instead of...money??? Though I’ve never been to a casino so I guess I dunno what happens there lol).

Also the number of people asking if I will be a third when they haven’t included that is their reason for being on the app is disheartening? I am glad they are being direct and open right away once the messaging is available instead of revealing their intent after hours of sunk talking, but it’s still frustrating that the way I look seems to illicit that assumption and question despite explicitly stating otherwise in my description. I mean, I’ve usually gotten that question in one way or another if my orientation comes up with people that are talking to me, but it makes me so tired. I just feel so dehumanized and squished down to one aspect of my identity in a fetishistic way that doesn’t reflect how I experience or feel about myself. It’s an instant “I’m done talking to you” at this point for me.

I am deeply frustrated with myself for falling into this trap and not crawling out to get my work done in time. I missed my first tiny assignment due date since starting grad school and I can’t fix it, it’s just a 0. I can’t let it be a slippery slope. I genuinely have too much to do. I think I need more body-double time, I should have gone to the library on the way here. There’s always next time, right? I mean, I asked a friend to come over and take my phone away from me, so at least I got the most pressing homework done.

I also get why people become even more disillusioned when they use these types of apps with the hope that they’ll find their person(s). It’s a lot to wade through and assess and I can see the potential for rejections to cut quickly to a person’s self esteem. Part of it though is that I think people have strange expectations. Strange to me, at least. And are dishonest about their intentions. Maybe I’m full of it because I am not evaluating people based on the criteria one can specify on the app: I’m asking questions that explore who a person is. The flesh thing we both come wrapped in are parts of the packages, of course, but what’s inside? Who are you really? Could I eventually trust you to be my power of attorney? What are your ethical sticking points? How do you treat animals, children, the elderly? Does pineapple go on pizza?

Also, honestly, having spent a few days kind of in a daze looking at all these different people and their approach to presenting themselves online to find their people, I am ok with being single. I think my life as it is is beginning to be full enough that I’m not even sure I want to blend my life with another person’s on a large scale, like living together or something like that. I have developed very high standards and expectations and if I don’t find someone that meet mine but also would have the same high expectations of me, I enjoy my life as it is and am ok with that. The sheer volume of “no thanks” I have seen now has sobered and humbled me in a way that I wasn’t expecting. Is this self respect or coping, I am really curious. Maybe it’s both, I’m always seeing false dichotomies.

I think another thing that is bothering me is that there are a lot of people that say they want a long-term partner, but they are open to short-term partners. I understand being open to what life has to offer, but I think it demonstrates to me that a person is either too lonely to keep being single and would rather be partnered until the right person comes along, or they are not fully committed to the idea of a long-term relationship. I understand life and people are complex and there are likely many other reasons a person might say that, but I’m tired. Maybe I’ll be more like my uncle than I thought I would be. He was single most of his life and had a different girlfriend every time I saw him growing up. I don’t think anyone could hold his attention more than his desire to travel. I wonder if he is lonely now, but I don’t think the idea of allaying loneliness in the future is a reason to seek out a partnership now. I dunnoooooooo. Boooo.

Also, it kinda makes a person consider how to colapse themselves down into a digestible brand? Which is weird to me. I know we all fit into overlapping categories, but I would like to believe there is more nuance to a person than “political affiliation, age, collection of hobbies and IPs [person] is attached to, [in/ex]trovert, etc.”.

Anyway, I took one of my out-of-town friends to an Egyptian buffet for dinner recently that I have loved since I was a kid. We bonded over how excellent the different chicken dishes were, and the baklava. I mean everything was delightful, it’s just that those two things were particularly spectacular. They said we should make it a holiday-times tradition, so I think we’ll be going there at least once a year as long as they still visit me here. We also went to a drag show, which was amazing. Lots of creative looks and numbers. I wish I had the time and stage presence to engage in drag. It seems like a fun way to express yourself. It’s probably something I could cultivate, given enough time, but my time is stretched thin as it is.

I’ve settled into a new hairstyle for the time being. My coworkers seem to like it. I fit in better. Am I losing myself in the pursuit of fitting in? Is that ok because I mean, other people do that all the time. There is a certain amount of acquiescing that makes the world go around. No man is an island and all that. It’s longer but manageable.

I just got the most recent Metroid game! I am really excited to get into it. I hope I’m not too rusty to get through the story. I don’t expect to be able to acquire all of the things or get a low time, but I am looking forward to seeing what Samus has been up to since Prime 3. I feel like in general, long-range series have to keep finding new ways to up the ante in stories if they use apocalyptic settings/themes too often. I think this series suffers from that, and they keep finding strange ways to keep it fresh, or at least fun. I am not complaining, I enjoy the camp. I don’t think they mean it as camp, but I experience it as camp.

In more consumerism news, I found exactly my “Doc Marten” boots at the thrift store, finally. Exactly what I was looking for, just un-branded. I can’t even tell nor do I care what they are. They just look like what I want, are well-constructed and appear to be/feel like they are weather-proofed, which is all I care about honestly. They’re comfy and I can run in them. I also broke down and bought a shelf that I have been avoiding getting at cost because they used to be very common in thrift stores. I decided the cost was outweighed by the peace and calm it would bring to my space because it would help me categorize and put away my crafting materials better, and it is true. I have done much more crafting since I got it because I know where everything is and it is easy to put it all away in the middle of something for later in a way that I can keep coming back to it when I have time. I also got a flowering bulb from a queer holiday market a couple weeks ago and it is blooming! It’s a strong, sweet smell and it works itself through my unit. It’s pleasant and helps with winter doldrums.

I’m looking forward to this year. I think I’ve gotten all charged up from some time off and I’ll probably still crash when work starts again, but it’s nice feeling this way for the time being. I did some painting! I have been taking pictures of chicken icons that are on dishes at thrift stores, and decided I’m going to paint them and put them on my wall. I used cardboard from cereal boxes and some cheap acrylic paint. I bought the paint to paint toilet paper rolls to make decorations for an artificial vine I put on a tension rod in a centralized doorway in my apartment. It’s made it seem more cheerful in here to have the bright colors, “foliage”, and my chickens.

Anyway, I hope things are going well and/or looking up for you wherever you are. And also, again Happy New Year! :) Seeya again sometime this 2026.