Y’know, I am trying to go slow, I swear. I don’t want to break it, ruin it, trash it, run it into the ground.
We are mutually exclusive, I’ve met most of their friends and they’re working on meeting mine, and they’re meeting my dad and stepmom this weekend, and they got a reservation for something for Saturday. Everything else is on fire in the background, but this is fun, this makes me feel good about life. I can be cautiously reckless, right??
If it feels right, and there are no red flags, *and* I’m not ignoring red flags, am I wrong to go at close to the pace I want to? This is the closest I think I can get to being unhinged yet still functional. I’m not supposed to be unhinged, right? Slow and steady, right?
Work is alright too, I am a necessary part of my team, though leaned on progressively more and more to the point where I am worried because I am still massively under-qualified. I played hooky just one day with my new partner this week because I needed a mental health day (oops) and everything fell apart while I was gone even though I sent *thorough* notes for my stand-in and coworkers. I’m still cleaning up the mess. I suppose that’s what I get, but it was nice to have a sneaky free day. I don’t usually do that. We slept in and made a big breakfast and did all the strange errands I didn’t get to over the weekend because we were going going going, there were too many things to do and they enjoyed all of it and thought it was all interesting and that’s funny to me because I’m just me and it’s all normal to me. I’m not complaining, though, it’s been exciting and fun. We are similar in a few fundamental ways, but different enough that there are new things for both of us to try. And, there are things we want to try that neither of us have done. I guess I am in awe of how open they are to new experiences.
I’m just blitzing my eardrums to be occupied with something else while I do my grad school work, but all the songs just make me think or feel right now lol. I need to get a grip. I was supposed to finish this assignment 2 hours ago and it’s only like 1000 words. At this point that is small potatoes. I hate that I have been reconditioned to do this shit. Even with turning things in late for my last class routinely, I still have a 4.0. I think school is broken and it activates a weird part of my brain that goes back into fight, flight, freeze as a habit and I end up caffeinating and never really resting and just ON all the time. Which is fun and other people think it is fun, but it is not sustainable for me. I need an actual week off.
Love is what builds and remains after the storm is what I’ve been told, so I guess I’m working on that. I know it’s better if there just isn’t a storm, but I’m tired of fighting my nature and general inclinations. This person is kind to me, and safe, and has kind, well-adjusted friends that love them, and they like me. Sooooo I’m going to keep being cautiously reckless and the worst that’ll happen is I had a lovely healing situationship? I guess?
Ahhhhhhhhhh
I hope you are well and have eaten food you like recently and are sleeping well. Thank you for stopping in, seeya later.