Ok so I am finally failing a class. I failed maybe one in undergrad, but this is my first one in grad school. Everything got overwhelming. I got covid again and missed 3 days of work and a big meeting. I tried to go to the meeting virtually, but was kicked out because I should be “resting” lol. I’m caught up on work, which is more important at the moment because it gives me a lot of money and that’s how I’ll get the next job, but I also can’t be out here failing classes. I had a 4.0, I guess that’ll help with my perfectionism—it’s broken now so I just need to do my best and that’s all.
Also! I am absolutely in love and I can’t even handle it. I know everything else feels harder because I want to focus on this relationship. I don’t know how to be chill. I dunno. I dunno!
They’re great and we get along really well and disagree well when we don’t see eye to eye (which is rarely so far, even with being open about differences of all kinds). Did I mention they’re from the actual country, like no neighbors for miles? We went to visit their family and they took me out into the forest on a four wheeler to see the trees their family is tapping for syrup. Whenever we stopped to let them warm their hands, it was wild how quiet the forest was. They went a little fast on some flat stretchs and it was fun. I don't think I've laughed openly and delightedly about a small thrill like that since before some things happened when I was a kid. I think I also understand where their brand of lonely that I connect with comes from after seeing where they grew up. It’s strange how similar personalities and conclusions about life can crop up in circumstances that seem different on the surface, but are actually very similar if you stop and pick them apart.
We are going to do St. Patrick’s Day together. They don’t drink, but are willing to go to a loud place with me to listen to live music and watch me sip a shot over a long period of time. We're going with one of my friends, also. They seem to enjoy each others' company, which is convenient for me! I feel like sometimes friends and partners don't get along.
We were both pretty sick with covid recently. They took care of me first, and then got sick, and I took care of them. They were so caring and sweet. I'm not used to the particular emotional intelligence they bring to the table. I rarely sleep alone now. It feels right, I worry I am going too fast, but the rapport is building well. I dunno, people used to and still do fuck a person and like, die in child birth soon after meeting them? I think I can be a little hasty and greedy getting to know someone in my little life that will only be impacting me and them if it falls apart? Which I don't think it will, but if it does, y'know. Two people only. They had a sense of “this is the right person for me” after our second date, so I think I can feel strongly too. I felt that for sure after our third date, though I was nearly there on the second. I dunno. People have said stranger things about how they've fallen in love and they've been together for decades. What does any of it mean. Am I letting the hormones rule me? They make everything fun. Groceries, waiting in line, doing my stupid homework, getting ready for work in the morning, everything.
We’ve shared a lot of trauma things with one another at this point and have similar issues, with similar levels of commitment to therapy and self work. This is something I was looking for, someone that will understand but is also committed to getting out of it as much as I am.
They push me to be better and do better. I don’t think I’ve had a partner genuinely invested in me doing well to this extent. I feel like we are mutually beneficial to one another. I feel cared about. In ways that can be pointed to and expressed, not vague nothing statements or future somethings.
Ahhhhh
Anyway! Thanks for reading, there is so much more I want to share but I really need to get a move on. Seeya soon-ish, hopefully!