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Hello. I’m losing my mind a bit.

Well, actually a lot. Where I work decided more or less that they couldn’t figure out how to keep me on for when the person I was filling in for came back. I got thrown under the bus in other ways, too.

I was entirely unprepared for the role and they honestly shouldn’t have let me do it, but it’s done and despite an incredibly bad review of my performance without acknowledging how much I was shorted training and resources, I finished the year out without quitting. I will never go back to this place. I am going to work half time in a similar role somewhere else instead while I finish my degree. I greatly resent that I was—in my mind, at least—taken advantage of at a vulnerable point in my financial journey and career development. I know that’s probably normal, but that doesn’t make it any less reprehensible. I also feel stupid for buying into the idea that my boss supported me and believed in me. He is beholden to the bottom line, and a lot of what he has said has been performative as I have seen how he actually talks and behaves in settings where our more vulnerable clients are not present. I resent that my industry is in many ways “for profit”, despite the fact that it should be about caring and providing resources for and educating vulnerable people. It’s all theoretically to decrease how they are impacted by systems, but I recognize that it is inherently part of the system. I live in an overlapping system of systems. I know we all do. I dunno.

The last couple months really drove me to the brink.

I am eternally grateful for my partner. They have been incredibly understanding and kind in the face of my resulting mental health and executive function challenges. We have been doing many fun things in between my panic attacks and days-long depressive, burnout slumps. The more I dig into doing too many things, the more I think my specific bouts of depression are in-fact autistic burnout. I can’t do anything, my memory is shot, my selective mutism comes back, I don’t eat, I don’t move, I can’t. I just can’t, can’t, can’t. It’s funny working with clients that have the same struggles and hearing professionals just fundamentally not understanding why they are behaving that way, and passing moral judgments rather than doing their job, which is helping them manage things.

I am taking a short break from everything this summer. I have one special case intensive client that I see independently so that I don’t have a gap in my resume, but otherwise, I am going to take a 2 week break from grad school and just let my body and mind calm back down.

Geez I keep going back to the bad things, I was trying to talk about my partner. Their younger sister got them a book that you’re supposed to complete with a partner. It’s a cute little book of adventure prompts that doubles as a scrap book. They suggest using a polaroid camera for taking the pictures. Thinking back on it now, we probably could have just printed off pictures we take with our phones for a cheaper time, but I like the nostalgia factor of taking polaroids. We went to a camera specialty shop and got a mint green polaroid camera. We took our first picture just smiling on the couch while looking through the different prompts.

Each prompt is hidden behind a scratch-off. They give you time and cost estimates, the general vibe of what it will be, and what materials you will need. The first one we picked was about love languages. We took the quiz to figure out which ones are most important to us, and then shared with each other. Then we were supposed to share 2-3 ways within those love languages that feel nice to each of us. We wrote them down, and then put them on our bathroom mirrors so that we remember. Then we planned a date night based on what we talked about. We decided since we both scored high in quality time to play a mystery game together with our phones off for our next date night. We’ll take the picture for it while we’re playing. There is a spot for notes, also, so we can leave notes in there at the end, too. I’m excited to work through this book over the next year or two. It’s pretty extensive. I think they have more than the one we’re working on, too. We could also come up with our own when we finish it? I dunno. It’s been a nice thing to look forward to, and now I’m enjoying the process.

I’ve been thinking about doing an art project together, too. I haven’t asked them yet, but I think they would be game. We are slowly working towards talking about living together because we haven’t slept apart for a couple months now. I think it would be nice after we talk about logistics and before we start making any moves towards anything to make a physical venn diagram piece. Like drawing or writing things that are important to us for our own circle, and we can each move something from the other’s side to the middle as a visual reminder that we are two separate people, but that we are in a committed partnership with many things in common. That was one of the things I put in my dating profile that they responded strongly to—that I was looking for someone that also wanted more of an explicitly venn-diagram-like relationship. I was thinking it could be a living art piece as we grow and change as people. Maybe it would make sense for it to be on a tack board so that it is easier to move things around?

I appreciate that they are also creative, and it is often in ways that I am not expecting. The spontaneity is fun. They took me hammocking recently just on a whim. I don’t think I had ever done it before. We got a bunch of snacks and brought books and biked to a park near where I live. I fell asleep reading in the shade. It’s nice to lay back and have so much green in my eyes from the tree leaves. I think it’s good for my brain. I hadn’t felt that calm in a while. I always forget that suspension and specifically rocking can be very soothing for my nervous system. I want to do it more often. We’re both readers. I used to read before grad school. It will give me much, but it has also taken a great deal from me this year. I don’t remember how to be a person except in moments of restorative rest like these.

I am in a spot where I can give more sometimes. I’ve been leaning into it too much, lately, probably. But having enough all of a sudden feels like I should be more generous. I’m not sure, because in the grand scheme of things, I am nowhere near as financially stable as my former coworkers.

I continue to change what I look like to suit the setting I work in and will adjust with the next location I move to. I think I am figuring out how to look “right”, but in my own way that feels more authentic to me. It’s been a process.

I’ve joined an amateur volleyball team with my partner and their friends. We compete once a week. I hadn’t played before our first game. I serve pretty well, but I find a lot of the rest of it difficult. I think it is getting easier. It’s hard to keep losing and feel like the losses are tied to my poor performance. But that’s what it’s like trying new things, and it’s ok. I’m trying to be ok with being bad at things between this and work and grad school. If I ignore the score, the exercise feels good, and when I do get the ball up in the air or I do the correct play and the team cheers that I did something right, even if the other team spikes it back, it feels good to be a part of a supportive team.

There are so many things I want and need to do this summer. I need to take two content exams for my degree soon, but I haven’t scheduled them because I haven’t gotten a chance to study. I’m running out of time. I need to update my resume and apply for a different position in my company. I haven’t had the spoons or time. I don’t feel good about my skills. I’m too burnt out to even pull it up, the negative energy in my brain increases when I sit down to start. I know it will dissipate if I fight through it, but I think I know myself well enough that I can say I really do need a few “do nothing” days where I journal and rest and let myself do what I want to do with no consequences.

I made beef curry with tallow my partner collected for me from when they made dinner for us a couple days ago. I fried my whole spices and onion and garlic in the tallow, then browned beef chunks well before adding curry powder and a can of diced tomatoes. I let it simmer for a very long time while we meal prepped our lunches for the week. I added the collagen layer from the tallow collection jar, and then finished it with some cream to add even more richness. I’ve been craving comfort food. Then we served it with sour cream and rhubarb chutney we made together a few weeks ago. I wish I had some cilantro also because I tend to like cilantro on mine. I forgot, we also ripped up a bunch of fresh spinach and mixed it in, along with some rice to make it more filling. We made quiches for lunch meal prep because my friend left a pie shell in my freezer when they left from visiting.

My friend had come over to host their combined birthday with their partner’s mom’s birthday. We took them out on the town to a zoo and a restaurant that accommodated for all the food allergies and preferences in our group, then came back to my place for a lemon meringue pie that my friend made earlier that day in my kitchen. It was nice to see everyone, and it also really helped me get my apartment back into acceptable shape after the deep depressive state I fell into as I approached my last day on the official job.

I really have been having a lot of fun in between the dark head-space days. It can be hard to remember and appreciate them if I am not careful. I think I am relearning, again, unfortunately, that I need to be much more careful about how much I bite off in my life. It’s ok and actually really important to be more average, be more willing to fudge things, be ok with not knowing, be ok with not caring sometimes, be ok with a little mess.

Thanks for reading, that was soooo much more than I meant to write, and also I wish writing for my grad courses were this easy lol. I hope to be more active on here again throughout the summer as I will have more time, but we’ll seeeeee!!! A couple of my weeks are already devoted to little odd jobs and other projects. Anyway, I hope you’re eating well and allowing yourself time to rest. Seeya later!