Ohhh geez. I missed a school deadline I didn’t know I had and I have a migraine so I am writing this instead, I suppose, because there are going to be many changes to my life coming up.
I am moving in with my partner in a few months. We found a nice split level 2 bedroom. The kitchen is nice for our standards (I don’t have very high ones, mainly I just wanted a little more counter space). It’s cute and has a patio that overlooks the courtyard. There is so much more natural light that comes into it than either of our current places, so it’ll be nice for my plants. I need to split and repot a lot of them, ideally before moving, but we’ll see. I noticed during the showing of the unit that the current residents have a turtle. My partner used to maintain fish tanks as a hobby. I like hearing about their life. We are the same age, but I feel like they really went out and did a lot before we met. They’re very active now, too, but I think they’ve solidified their serious hobbies and sometimes hobbies so there is a little less room for trying everything. I’m kinda falling into habits and hobbies of my own. We overlap and differ nicely.
My partner likes to go to the farmers market with me and prep all of the vegetables for fermenting and pickling. We recently got a 40 pound case of peaches for free. It was bizarre. They carried the box all the way home from the event we attended because we had walked there. They said it was fine and normal to carry such a thing because they grew up on a farm. We canned a lot of the peaches, made mint peach tea, peach pico de gallo, a peach upside down cake, peach cheong, and a peach cobbler. What I have found nice about the canned peaches is that the syrup has taken on a lot of the peach flavor, so it is a nice syrup to add to iced tea for an added sweet peach flavor.
We made some spicy tomato soup for the freezer for the winter. It ended up way spicier than I meant it to be, but it’s ok. I’m going to make some pasta sauces for the freezer this weekend as well. I feel appreciated yet not taken for granted for my food, and it’s nice. We split the costs and tasks of food prep. We also pickled banana peppers recently. I haven’t busted them out yet, but they’re a big sandwich person, so I’m going to make some pickled red onions too. We have pickled radishes, pickled asparagus, and we made a batch of sauerkraut that will be ready next week. We put fresh garlic and caraway seeds in for a complex flavor. They haven’t had my sauerkraut yet, so I am excited to see what they think.
I really value how communicative and affectionate they are. Sometimes they notice and ask about subtle shifts in my mood before I even notice that I am not feeling as good. I feel a strong sense of security and safety around them that feels authentic and rooted in mutual respect. I appreciate their earnest nature. I feel like I provide a sense of ease and joy and I like to listen to them talk about things they are interested in. I’m happy that they like my cooking but also that they are perfectly fine making meals as well. We share chores well. I just am so chuffed.
I haven’t found another full time or half time role at my company yet. They almost weren’t going to pay me for the work I’ve done since taking the small summer role. I know it’s par for my industry, but it’s been draining going back and forth through email. Luckily, I save like crazy, especially when I started making the crazy money, so I have plenty reserve, but I worry about starting to use it. I want to be saving for a down payment on a small house. Allegedly, the housing market will change soon. I feel like I’ve been hearing that for years, maybe decades now?
TW: mention of self harm/suicidality
I also could not pass my content practice exams for my graduate degree, so I am going to postpone my actual exams and through extension, my graduation date. I am not dropping out, I am just being more realistic about the pace I can maintain and how much of a break I will need in between each class to rest. I pushed myself to the edge taking on too much and in combination with a mental health decline due to a new medication, I nearly impulsively "harmed" myself because I couldn’t handle how I felt about being a “failure” and feeling incapable of meeting the unrealistic expectations others had for me. I think I am too quick to ignore my needs when it feels like people from better circumstances are judging me for my perceived fragility. I don’t have a trust fund. I don’t have parents that can spot me money (actually, I get hit up for money). I have mental health issues likely both stemming from experiences and from faulty brain stuff I inherited from my progenitors. I’m tired of feeling like I need to justify my rest to people that don’t know what it is like to live in my head, in my body, in my past/present. With the “elders” in my life, there is a strong sense of “well we just used to be stronger back in my day I guess”. And I think “stronger” is inaccurate: I think it is more that, at least the people I am talking to, were under less or different duress, did not have the constant pressure due to cellphones and the internet and everything creating this sense of urgency to all types of work. Now. Do it now. Do more. There is no break, no rest. It’s all happening at the same time. I think also, there is a disingenuity to claiming they were stronger. I think perhaps that frustration, fear, anger, all of the dangerous emotions, got stuffed deep down and bottled up, and would erupt at loved ones and undeserving strangers at unexpected times. I find that these people will not take responsibility for these actions. That they feel entitled to their blow ups. Is that a mark of strength?
Most of my friends and my partner’s friends think it is fine that we are planning on moving in together. By the time we are officially on a lease together, it will have been 10 months. Is that too short? I don’t care, I feel old and I’ve made up my mind. We’ll both be saving money and we are essentially already living together anyway. One of my friends is pretty staunchly against it, but was respectful about it. I hear what they are saying from their experience. Waiting until 2 years in is probably better? But I’m reckless. Well, and my partner and I are, again, highly communicative with one another and don’t let things build up. We talk about things and find compromises or solutions. We’re both scared people pleasers. I think we’ll be ok. I guess my friend will have “I told you so” rights if it doesn’t work out. I think it’ll work out. We’ll seeeeee.
Anyway, I should probably try to get this assignment in before midnight… I lose 10% off the potential grade each day it is late and it took me 2 days to realize I had missed the deadline…
Ahhhhhhhhhh
Thanks for reading, I hope you’re doing well and eating well. Tell your pets I love them.